The mirror. When you look in it, what do you see? Do you like what you see? You know, I wish I knew who you were. Although, maybe the fact that I do not, makes it easier to spew out what Im thinking. I saw a hypnotherapist today. I thought.. i hoped you'd show up when my world went dark. It was an awesome experience. Im ready for change. Im sick and tired of feeling this way. I can't stand it anymore. I really think this helped a lot.
As my eyes were closed, she was speaking. Im pretty sure I heard everything she said. I kept looking for you and all i saw was this light trying to shine around these black and grey rolling clouds. Id lose focus, or something would redirect my eyes. Each time the light was brighter and seemed to just curl around but the clouds would eventually take over and it kept repeating. Towards the end, or what I thought was the end...a bright light eventually made me squint. Like really bright. I couldn't make out the shape, or anything in particular happening, but it was probably just straight up sunlight.
She told me that it appeared as my body accepted change. That it was processing, not resisting. Thinking back, I dont remember anything she said, other than asking me to pick a shape. A shape that spoke or resonated with me. A diamond popped out immediately. I dont know why. I know I love the way they sparkle in even the slightest amount of light. Anyway, an after thought was pressure. Pressure creates diamonds. If that is the case, I want, out of my life and experiences, a diamond. A life that is unique and special to me, created by me. So far above and beyond the normal. Maybe that is why I want financial wealth. It's not the stuff I want. The freedom, the ability to go anywhere, at anytime by any means desired. Above the norm.
Is that what is coming? It is. I can feel it now. Direction, yes? I know the direction, thats about all i know. I do know that meditation is a must. I have to do it. I will start with even a few minutes a day. Do you meditate? Of course you do. You have the perfect life. And it seeeeems like you have all the answers. So what next?
“A head full of fears has no place for dreams.
We spent the first 30-45 minutes talking. She listened, of course I yapped. Side note: gotta remember to A: journal and b: start thank you journal. The thank you journal, I am going to go back to every memory I have, especially the painful ones, big and small and I am going to thank whomever was involved for give me that experience. It was a chance to learn and grow. I realized, we shouldn't carry that shit with us. you know? So I am going to accept everyone's apology, if they "give" one of course, thank everyone and let it all go. The list shouldnt be too long, i mean i can barely remember a few weeks ago. haha. just kidding. I was kind of thinking I could even make some of them group letters. Like if I was writing a letter to a few people.
anyway, we talked...i talked. she wrote stuff down on the white board. It felt good just to talk unfiltered. Unguarded. She was easy to talk to. I wish I had started seeing a general therapist a long time ago. I mean A LONG ASS time ago. I was a fucking idiot growing up. I didnt want to listen to anyone. I listed to the shit I wish I wouldnt have. And didnt listen to the shit I wish I would have! what the actual fuck. Who does that? Diamond...right? Cmon.. ha!
Another side note: decision... Recreational weed...only gets smoked on adventures. Doesnt matter when or where, but I am limiting to then. Road trips, hiking, biking etc. What eva! #420 has served its purpose as of now. Creative inspiration. A different perspective. Different neural pathways opened. Thats all. It is time to put focus and effort into these new plans that are set in motion which requires the newest and best version of myself.
What you thinkin? I know what I am thinking. You already know. lolol. Yea I do feel a new wave of confident. Its a different feeling. I feel right down in my stomach, belly just glowing. Solar plexus down to my root. Whoah, I just looked up the 7 chakras. As i read the description of each, I felt them. Literally, warmed up feeling. Fucking crazy. You know, life is great. it really it. If you cant.. dont enjoy trying to figure out all this out, whats the point. It just takes some time and puzzling it out. I think for me, well again, i have no clue what the fuck im gonna do. but at least i know the general direction. so two things I gotta focus on...meditation and journaling... my blog. Your... higher purpose is..freedom. well, mine, not yours. you already are free. You are gonna help me get there. right?
today was good. I needed that. In a way I felt a lot lighter leaving. Another tid-bit. The idea behind the the thank you journal. Well, ...a gratitude journal, is that it's away to turn every negative experience into something positive and then letting it go. In away, I can say thank you for teaching me....xyz and then put it to rest. Wish I would've thought of that sooner. Ill start tomorrow with that one, for now I gotta get some sleep. Its time to start dreaming again. Peace out... I love you.